Busy lazy weekend! I swear it feels like I got nothing done, and yet I was doing stuff all weekend. I spent Saturday tidying my bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, in an attempt to be able to bake on Sunday for today's post, but I didn't have the chance to do laundry or any baking. I'm setting aside Saturday for that this next weekend though, as I have earned it with all the work I did this last week.
I did however get to go to the beach on Sunday, which was just what I needed! I haven't had a decent beach trip in I don't know how long, but I can tell you it's probably been a year or so. This was something I feel like my soul needed. There's been a lot of change and craziness going on lately and it was nice to squidge my toes in the sand and just breathe for a moment, and clear my head for what I hope will be a productive week.
I've deemed this year a year of decluttering. Of stepping back and asking myself what I have in my life, what I need, and what I can get rid of. My church is doing a series right now called Subtraction (iTunes, Castbox), about all of the extra things we add to our lives in order to feel fulfilled, and how maybe we shouldn't be adding things but finding out what we can do without. I found this perfect timing because I have been planning this post for about a month and a half and now I have something to refer back to.
In all honesty I don't have a busy schedule, but rather I fill my time with unimportant things and act like they are requirements, and then stress when they aren't finished. TV is a really good example, I have a really hard time DNFing TV shows. My Netflix list is like a million years long, and even though I know that I'd rather watch my favorite shows over again, I still sit through shows I have minimal interest in just so I can say I've finished it. I've recently discovered this, and I honestly don't know why I do it, but I can tell you that I don't like it. I don't like spending all Saturday watching something just because "I have to finish it".
And who says I have to finish it? Is it me? Society? Netflix? I feel like it's all part of the FOMO our generation has. We can't miss out on the next fandom or the next fad because our friends will be talking about it and we'll feel left out. "Did you do the Ice Bucket Challenge? The Tide Pod Challenge? The how-many-toothpicks-can-I-fit-in-my-eye-socket-challenge?!" But is that really how our friendships work these days? With contingencies on what kind of television shows you watch, or useless activities you participate in? I'm going to admit something that's embarrassing, and yet as I say that it seems incredibly stupid.
I haven't watched Stranger Things.
There I said it. Most of you have probably already closed your browser. Farewell friends. It's been good while it lasted. RIP us.
Dramatic I know, but this is honestly a reaction I've gotten before when I admit that. And then if I admit that I DNFed (Did Not Finish) Game of Thrones it's like I'm no longer part of the group. Like we base our friendship on how much television we watch. But what TV shows we watch are not the soul factor in our personalities, nor are they the only thing that keep a relationship together. Our relationships are based on the love we have for each other in both our similarities and our differences. I draw, not well, but I enjoy it, I love to decorate cakes, I enjoy hiking and doing other nature like things, I love sitting down with a cup of coffee and just talking, and I LOVE to read. My family and friends enjoy some of these things as well but not all of them. And yet despite that knowledge I still find myself apologizing to people because I hadn't caught up on that one popular tv show: "I'm sorry, I just haven't had the chance." "This weekend I promise." "I know I need to just do it." It sound's like I'm talking about going through my garage, landscaping my backyard, or going back to school. Those are things I have to do. So why do I feel this guilt? And why do I inflict the same guilt on the people in my life when they haven't watched one of my shows? The answer to that is that honestly I don't know, because all it does is cause isolation. You aren't in with the crowd. You don't belong. And that truly sucks, because it causes unimportant expectations for the people who want to get to know us. A requirement list, that keeps getting longer. And it just needs to stop.
So I started deleting things from my Netflix list. Without looking up the trailer or reading the description like I used to, and weirdly I felt uneasy about it. That FOMO was already seeping in and I couldn't even tell you the plot of half the things I was deleting. I have to say that I hate that. I hate that something so stupid as television has so much pull in my life. I wanted that control back, so I just started getting rid of things. And now I feel no regrets about doing it. I've decided that from now on, every time I go to watch something I'm going to ask myself: Am I watching this because I want to, or because it's just something to do? And if the answer is that it's just something to do, I'm going to find something purposeful to fill my time: Work on my handwriting. Learn a new skill (like knitting or guitar - something with an end result, a finished product). Practice my math skills (I can't tell you the last time I was on Khan Academy). Go on a walk without my phone and just be in the moment. Maybe even write that book. I've been wanting to for so long.
Or maybe I'll use that time to actually do something with my family. Play a game, go on an adventure, make food, be silly, or simply just be. I think just being would be nice for a change. I have too many hobbies and for the longest time I've schedules them out. On Monday I draw, on Tuesday I color, on Wednesday I watch television... what if I decided not to do any of those and instead just focused on one thing, one thing that could actually produce a new skill, or a tangible goal. I've been really wanting to start walking. Focusing on that one thing and keeping that single goal in my head would allow me to hit my goal of loosing some weight, of getting to a healthier lifestyle, of not feeling depressed about the things I can't control, but instead would allow the time for me to focus. To ask myself what I want to accomplish, and where I see myself going. I can't do everything, but maybe I can do the right things for me. I can subtract the excess and learn what I can live without. I always joke that I could be one of those people that go off the grid, living in a cabin in the woods with a garden and some animals, but I can't even log out of Facebook.
I keep saying I want to have a whole week where I can de-clutter my house. Go through things, get rid of anything I don't need, and make things neater. But while I can't take a whole week off of work, I can focus on one thing every evening, and find a way to make a dent. I just need to make the time. No, I have the time I just need to utilize it. I need to be content with what I have, and subtract the meaningless things. Like I mentioned previously, my church has been doing a series on subtraction and a few weeks back my pastor said, "I think endless potential is paralyzing. The capacity to pursue everything creates paranoia over choosing the wrong thing, preventing us from committing to anything." There are so many hobbies that I have because I didn't want to miss out on the things my friends were doing. There are so many TV shows I started watching because I didn't want to be left out of the conversation when someone was theorizing about a plot point. But when you add all of these projects together it's just so much time lost, when I could have been doing something that had a better impact on my life. Something that made me think "I'm glad I didn't miss this", because living it is better than hearing about it. All I have to do is step back and look at what is taking up time in my life that I could be spending on my relationships or on my goals. Then subtract those things and fill that time with purpose.
So what are those things for me? Well I already mentioned my addiction to Netflix, but I also spend a lot of time on Facebook and Instagram just scrolling without actually engaging in the conversations there. And I watch a lot of YouTube. Too much YouTube! While these things aren't inherently bad I tend to gravitate toward them in order to fill my time, and then suddenly that time becomes my social media time. Instead of being a way to connect it becomes a distraction from my potential. This is where I need to start saying 'no'. When I find myself turning to Facebook I need to ask myself if there's something I'd rather be doing that can get me closer to one of my goals. Could I be writing? Reading? Spending time with my little sister? What could I be doing that I will remember in thirty years? And then I need to remember to breathe.
Part of stepping back, de-cluttering, and saying no, is taking that time to breathe. I am trying to actually allow myself to do that. To get off of everything, sit down with a pen and some paper, and either write or draw what is going on in that moment. I hate the phrases "live in the moment" or "YOLO" because I think it can be used to justify dumb decisions, but when I look back on my life I don't want to see a lot of sitting in front of a computer and obsessing over trivial things. I want to see trips like this one, where I got to explore places I love with the people I love. I got to do silly things and relax without thinking of self inflicted requirements. I don't need to see all 13 seasons of Supernatural, but I do need to see my sister become 13 and experience the memories that will come with this new year. I don't need to do everything as long as the things I do are worth while. I don't have to take everything I want when I was given everything I need. ~Delaney
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